Knowing Where You're Going
One day when I was a little child, I announced I would go to China some day. Nobody took me seriously at the time. China was in the midst of the Cultural Revolution, and nobody was going to the Middle Kingdom at that time. But it must have struck my mother as odd, because she remembered it and told me about it many years later. Looking back now I realize that little child had a lot of insight about the path in life I would take.
Caged Tiger
I was never content with the safe, secure world my parents worked so hard to build for our family. They grew up with next to nothing in the Depression. My father fought in the 2nd Infantry in World War II. Considering their early experiences, it is no surprise they would want to make their lives and their lives of their children as stable and secure as possible. But for me it was only a matter of time before I started to feel like I was in a cage.
Going for a Walk
When I was only five years old, I set out alone one afternoon from my home and walked across town, crossing a busy intersection, to "visit" our neighbors who had recently moved. The whole time my mother thought I was taking a nap in my room. Now that I have my own children, I realizing how frightening that must have been for my mother to find me missing. But I remember I felt like I had to go. And despite the punishment I received, I enjoyed my adventure.
Going for a Ride
Once I was old enough to ride a bike, I began to roam around my hometown. There were no play dates in those days. The only time we had to be somewhere was dinner time. We played baseball, built tree forts, and spent our allowances- all without adult supervision. We had too much time on our hands. And I always wanted to try things I was told not to do. I thought I knew better, but eventually it got me into trouble. Before I started junior high I ended up in the hospital with "alcohol poisoning". There were other problems I caused for my parents, but I think that was the worst.
Going for a Swim
I remember lying in the hospital thinking that I had to change my ways. I joined the Boy Scouts. I focused on camping and learning how to survive in the outdoors. I focused on the scouting ideals. But I still pushed at the rules whenever they got in the way of my idea of an adventure. I remember sneaking off at camp one day to swim in a lake that we were told was off limits. We swam there several times before we learned the lake had been condemned due to agricultural pollution. All the runoff from a nearby dairy farm ended up in the lake.
Kid Dyno-mite!
But sometimes breaking rules or conventions can be a good thing. I loved playing basketball as a kid. One year I transferred to a new school. Some of the kids at the school did not like me, so I continued to play for my old school's team. Of course, I dreaded the day when both teams met on the basketball court, but I went through with it. In the end I learned a lot that year about the importance of friendship and loyalty.
Note- The following year I played for my new school, and we won the league championship.
New Horizons
By the time high school rolled around, my parents were probably getting used to me taking a less conventional route than my siblings. I think that's why my decision to go to a boarding school for high school did not surprise them. The school was run by an order of missionaries. It was strict compared to what an average teen-ager had to endure. But I was surrounded by people from different backgrounds and cultures. I had teachers who spoke several languages and had lived and worked in Africa, New Guinea, and Taiwan. I began to realize how interesting language was to me.
Missing Link
After high school I floundered around a bit. I spent some time in Iowa, but eventually I ended up in St. Louis. I lived in an old, cockroach-infested hotel on Grand Avenue on the campus of St. Louis University. I worked at the student store there, meeting students from all over the world. I got to know many of them. I heard their stories, listened to their accents, and I realized I envied them. They all had something I didn't, the experience of living in another country and speaking another language. But that would soon change.
Big in Japan
After my first year in St. Louis, I saw a poster in the student affairs building that caught my attention. The university was looking for three exchange students to go to Japan. I went into the office, sat down with the counselor, and fifteen minutes later I signed up. By August I was on a flight to Narita airport near Tokyo, then by shinkansen (bullet train) to Nagoya. I spent a year studying Japanese in Nagoya, struggling with a culture that demanded me to give up more of myself than I wanted to give up.
The Whole Picture
I believe my first year in Japan transformed me like no other year in my life. I went from being a very picky eater to eating whatever was put on my plate. I went from always thinking about what I wanted to say first to trying to listen to what others where saying or showing me. I went from speaking a few words of Japanese to carrying on conversations, reading signs, and writing letters. I remember returning to St. Louis after my year abroad and talking with a Japanese student I knew in St. Louis before I went to Japan. She started talking to me in Japanese, and I guess at that moment I saw her as a whole person for the first time. It was like I could only see part of her when she spoke to me in English.
Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself
I finished my degree and decided to go back to Japan to teach. But the second time did not have as happy an ending. After three months in Japan I started to feel anxious about my situation and my life. It didn't make sense. I was back in Japan. I had a good teaching job. I had this wonderful opportunity to improve my Japanese, which I really wanted to do. Everything was right on the outside. But something was wrong on the inside. The anxiety became worse. I lingered on it, and it grew into depression. I decided I was no use to anyone, packed my bags, and returned to the U.S.
Hell
I went to see doctors. They told me there was nothing wrong with me. But I could not shake the anxiety and the deepening depression. My family and most of my friends told me there was nothing wrong with me. Everybody thought I should just get on with my life. I got a job teaching ESL (English as a Second Language). It only required me to work several hours per week, so I felt I could manage it.
I mentioned before that my first year in Japan was the most transformational in my life. But these three years living with this mysterious anxiety were the hardest years of my life to date. I had to sit and watch my friends and family go on with their lives in a world of sunshine, while a darkness seemed to hang over me. It took an effort for me to do even the simplest thing like getting out of bed. Looking back I honestly do not know how I got through those years.
The Key
Finally I had a revelation. I was visiting a cousin in Vermont. When I described my "condition" to him, he told me he had the same condition. He said I was having panic attacks. I was cautious at first. Several times before that I thought I had found out what was wrong with me, only to have it turn out to be wrong. But the more I read, the more I realized I now finally had a name for what was hurting me. I learned how panic attacks strike without warning or reason. I learned what happens in the body when anxiety hits, what drugs could be prescribed and what side effects they had. I learned the psychological effect of panic attacks and how different people deal with them. Like peeling an onion, I stripped away the symptoms layer by layer and worked to get at the anxiety itself.
The Path
During this time I had the opportunity to start studying Chinese with a tutor. I would study all week from tapes and out of text book, then on Saturday night I would drive an hour to have a private lesson. In the beginning I thought it was a great way to keep focused on something positive. And I was doing what I loved again- learning a new language. But after three years I realized I wanted to take it to the next level. I began to look at studying in China. I found a language school in Xi'an, a capital of ancient China, where the silk road once began its journey across Asia. I began to save money and make plans.
The Door
By now I thought I had put the worst of my anxiety behind me. I still experienced panic attacks, but they were far fewer and weaker. I still felt uncomfortable afterwards, but at least I could get on with my life. I pushed ahead with my plans just like the old days as if nothing could stop me. Then without warning I was hit by a full-force panic attack. It took me by surprise, but I stayed on my feet this time. Some friends recommended a psychologist. The sudden recurrence of powerful panic attacks soon after I made my decision to go to China scared me. People told me it must mean I should not go. I was confused. I set up an appointment with the recommended psychologist.
Spring Cleaning
Today I am still reaping the benefits of making the first appointment. From day one the doctor told me that my anxiety was not coming from my desire to go to China as many people suggested. After several visits she told me in her professional opinion I would be fine in six months. In other words, I should not alter my plans. But she also said it will get worse before it gets better. She was right. It is hard to clean up somebody's "stuff" after they pass away. It is easier to just put everything in a box in the attic and forget about it. But it is vastly more difficult to clean out the emotional and mental "garbage" that one accumulates over the years. I will not go into any details here. I only want to say there was no transformational moment for me. It was a slow recovery with the anxiety diminishing month by month.
China at Last
Before I knew it, I was on a plane to Japan, then on a boat to Shanghai. From Shanghai I took a three-day train to Xi'an, then a cab from the train station to my school, where I studied Chinese for one year. This fulfilled not only my desire to learn Chinese, but also my words as a child when I announced I would go to China one day. It is strange how things work out in the end. I have had several panic attacks along the way, but since I was healthier, stronger, and better informed, they never got into my way again.
Year of the Cat
To American sensibilities China in the 90's was dirty, smelly, and rude. At times during my first year there, I felt this way strongly. I also frequently heard other students (non-Chinese) joking about the differences. But this time around I had the advantage of my experience living in Japan. I also knew about culture shock. I knew to get involved with Chinese people early and stay involved. I knew that the language would come eventually with patience and practice. I did not want to take my frustration out on the country or the people.
As a result my first year in China was more rewarding and enjoyable than my first year in Japan. An added bonus was that Xi'an is part of a very historical area of China. The world-famous teracotta soldiers are just down the road. Almost every weekend the school would arrange for trips to local monuments, graves, temples, and cultural events. I think Xi'an is the only Chinese city that still has its city walls standing. It is also a mixing place of the Han Chinese, Muslim Chinese, and other minority peoples.
Update
I would like to write more, but I have not taken much time to reflect on these last several years. I also think I need to give my experiences time to age. From this point I will fast forward to my life today. A lot has happened since my first year in China. I met my wife. I lived another year in China and another year in Japan. Then I moved to Michigan, found a job, and started a family. My life now is work, family, and writing, not always in that order.
Never Say Never
I am not sure if I will ever live overseas again, but my interest in learning languages has not waned. I once met someone who spoke six languages, and I remember thinking what an incredible feat that was. But now I realize given the right circumstances and the right person, it is really not that incredible. For some people it is really more natural than anything else. I like to take this idea into everything I do. Several years ago, I left short stories unfinished and dreamt about becoming a writer. Today I have written more than a dozen short stories and finished my first novel. I want to always keep fresh in my mind the image of that child who told his mother he would one day go to China.
